katherineg

One day he's asking about engagement rings, the next he seems unable to say a word to me.
He hasn't been sleeping, can't get comfortable. We tried putting the mattress on the floor last night, but apparently that didn't help (though I don't recall him fidgeting). I don't know what to do. I feel completely helpless and yet I so desperately need to do something.

His client is here today, so I've been kicked out of the office to work in the dining room. That really helps with Chris' mood too. He's not been here in a while, but Chris' car is still out of action after the accident in the snow. I haven't missed seeing him to be honest, I certainly haven't missed having to leave my desk and comfier chair behind.

In better news, the cats are all getting along now. Not besets friends or anything, but you can occasionally find Sasha and Amy curled up together, and there's no more fighting. They will play together and eat together. Sasha is clearly jealous that they get to vanish off outside, but we've started the vaccination process so it won't be long till she can go out too.

Work is going well, I think. We're getting games made and released and they're being well received. Nothing is doing as well as Word Search Party still. We seem unable to get anyone to review our games. But we're getting some interaction on our Facebook pages now which is lovely.

I guess sitting in the dining room I get to see the kitties more. Since Sasha seems to like sitting on the tree down here, and I'm next to the cat flap and the food.

Apparently I'm just rambling about nothing much. I just want to write till all the grumbly feelings are gone so that I can focus on what I need to do today. Maybe I should eat something instead.

I have no right to rant, no reason to feel so bad, and yet I just can't shake this feeling.
Life is good, great even, and yet I spent 20 minutes this morning crying, and I only stopped because the cats needed me to move, and that's mostly the reason I'm still moving.
We got a third cat this week, a little 8 week old kitten.
He encouraged me into it... I would likely have talked myself out of it... but he wanted it too.
Yet since then, he's seemed sad. Perhaps he hadn't realised an 8 week old kitten would require near constant attention, even though he should recall that our 12 week old kittens did too.
Maybe I'm being over sensitive because I'm exhausted and hormonal and stressing about cats.
Maybe I'm struggling because I'm dieting and haven't had much chocolate in weeks.
Maybe we shouldn't have upset the balance in the house when we were actually content.

I'm full of questions and no answers. I'm hungry and I'm tired and I just want to keep crying.

The way ahead seems clear, and yet my head is full of questions and doubts. I know where I want to get to, I can even identify steps to get there, and yet... and yet it all looks so difficult I'd rather hide away instead.

We want to live together, but in a new house. One not tainted by memories of others, one we can truly call our own, somewhere we can both call home.

My house is too small for us to live and work in, and therefore needs to be sold first. There I seem to falter.

My house. After a lot of searching it was perfect in location and size. After a lot of time, effort and money from my two best friends and I it was becoming perfect in decoration and comfort too. Though that had all ceased long ago, with rooms left half done.

There are moments, memories which reside in that house which I will be pleased to leave behind. Too many tears, too much pain.

Yet, at the same time... I was so close to making the garden my own, I have the perfect kitchen with tiles I placed myself, a floor I laid, a wine rack which was made for me specially to fit the gap. Beautiful curtains which complete the dining room and deep soft purple carpet which was so hard to find but made the lounge so definitely mine.

Closing the door on that chapter of my life is hard to contemplate. Particularly when it has to be combined with moving into his house, trying to find space for me in there, trying not to think too much about who used to sleep where I now do, whose cupboard space I am now taking.

Putting the past behind us and making a new life together. That's the idea, that's the aim. I just fear that if I move in here and get too comfortable that we'll never move, and we have to. There's no countryside, the kittens are trapped inside too much of the time, and there's no garden for me to mess with. Plus, the kitchen is smaller than I'd like... though will probably be bearable once it actually has my things in.

I think the problem is that I was making the house perfect and now I'm leaving before it's complete. The doors don't match, the office wallpaper is half off, the bedroom still has the horrid pink carpet. I had so many plans which I'm now abandoning.

I know we will find the perfect house together, and I know we will then spend time making it our own, making it our home. It just seems so far off and saying goodbye to my house seems so hard.

Between us we own two of everything, so before I can move in we need to work out what we actually need from both houses and sell/give away/throw out the rest. Some things are easy to say goodbye to - we've already bought a new sofa together, and as much as I love mine, the new one is much better. Others are going to be harder - the four poster bed I so wanted isn't the one which just got a new mattress, so likely to be the one sold... or perhaps we'll have a really over the top spare room.

It's all so difficult, and avoiding it seems like the much easier option. Easier to declare myself too busy or too tired to go back to my house and face the required organisation. Easier to ignore the situation even though I know we can't get to where we want to be until I face up to it and start sorting things.

Maybe tomorrow.

Well, I found myself grumbling about the lack of updates on the blogs I read and realised it had been a while since I'd written again. Although, it's actually not... I've just been writing somewhere else!

I have set up a blog on my actual website (Starlit Skies Blog) where I can talk about geeky things without a) boring everyone over here and b) keeping private life separate from things useful to my career!

I'm working on a new game idea in my spare time (4 weeks left at Astraware, eep!) and will hopefully be running beta testing over on that blog, plus general geekery posts about making games. If you're interested go have a read and if you own a swanky phone/device (iPhone/iPod Touch, Windows Mobile, Android, Blackberry or Symbian) and would like to test out my creations then head over and register :o)

So if I'm quiet on here, it might be that I'm busy jabbering over there... or I'm just being quiet... both are quite possible! Although I hope to be keeping up more regular updates on my geeky blog as it will help with generating interest (and hopefully eventually sales) for my own games :o)

I could be telling you all about the rubbishy start to the new year I've had, but instead I shall ramble about my crafting :o)

I always thought I was immune to startitis... when I started crocheting again a couple of years ago I was very good. I would finish one project before starting the next... but then, I was only making amigurumi.

Even when I started branching out into gloves and shawls I was content with just one project to work on.

Suddenly I find myself with multiple project bags, and the realisation I've lost track of everything I wanted to do (even with Ravelry helping to keep me organised!)

Currently on the go I have:

• Bryan's rainbow socks (knit)


• King size Funerary scene blanket for our bed (crochet)


• Hairband (knit)


• Travelling scarf (knit)


• A sock I start months ago (crochet and likely to be frogged now I know how much more comfy knit socks are!)


• Recylced bag bag (crochet from plarn)


• A pretty tapestry


• Cardigan (crochet)


• Christmas star for tree (crochet)

Plus probably other things I've forgotten. Certain things (like the recycled bag bag) have been put aside because it was more stressful on my wrist than I could cope with. The blanket is going to be a very long project. The cardigan I started before Christmas as my travelling project, but I got distracted by socks!

Yet, despite that list, here I sit looking up new patterns. There's a sock pattern I want to do for the Ravelympics (though I need to have finished Bryan's by then as I only have one cable needle the right size for socks!) There's this lovely jumper pattern which I found the perfect yarn for by unravelling a charity shop jumper, but it's knit and scares me slightly, but I wanna start! My Ravelry queue gets ever longer and there's just so many things I want to make.

Thing is, I love getting things finished too... I have no idea how I ended up with all these things started at once... I really must sort things out before I start anything else... but what are the chances? ;o)

It's been *ages* since I posted any cakes as I've not done any baking in months :o( However, it's Bryan's Birthday on Monday and so it was time to get baking again :o) He requested a snowman using the same recipe I used last year (a coconut cake with coconut frosting) So here it is...



The buttons are Cadbury's chocolate buttons, and the nose is some marzipan with a little red food colouring worked through. It was made from just two normal circular cakes, with a bit of cunning cutting. There was even some leftover bits so I can vouch for its tastiness already ;o)

I have been aware of the term "blocking" for quite some time but never really felt the need. I tried to block my parents Christmas scarves last year with a little success, but I didn't really know what I was doing.

I've been reading the "Blocking: Befer & After" thread on Ravelry which has amazing photos of people transforming wrinkled, curling things into beautiful open lace items. Of course, they're all working with expensive yarns of natural fibres, things I can't afford to use. Then last week someone declared that blocking acrylic wasn't the impossible task everyone claims and that it's perfectly possible if you try! So I read their how to block acrylic guide (please excuse the site design, it hurts my eyes too!) and set about finding a cheap iron to play with :o)

Argos came through with their own brand, super cheap steam iron at £3.87 :o) Then came a need for a blocking board, but no fear, someone has written a lovely tutorial on making a blocking board out of cardboard, tape and old towels.

So last night, before we headed out to band, we started making a board. There was cardboard everywhere, and then an amusing discovery that certain items no longer fit through the loft hatch because of the newly fitted ladder! ;o) Eventually, my spare bed (which is a double thankfully) was covered in two layers of cardboard stuck together with gaffer tape :o) Then Bryan's old double duvet was spread over the top, followed by an old sheet. Step 1 complete :o)

Now, I didn't really know what I was doing, so I didn't want to start with something too complicated. I grabbed a scarf I've made for one of Bryan's sisters for Christmas which has a pretty open bit down the middle which wasn't really visible thanks to the curling. It's a bit of a mixture of yarns, some acryclic, some wool & silk, and some mohair.

I pinned it out, opening up the middle, and giving it a little extra length into the bargain. Then I gave it a light steaming, holding the iron just above the fabric and going slowly over the length of the scarf a few times. We left for band and wondered what would happen...

I'm pleased to say, it worked! :o) When the pins were removed a few hours later, the scarf maintained its new shape, keeping the middle open and my attempt at pattern was suddenly visible! :o)

With a little success under my belt I was willing to try something a little more complex and pinned out a shawl I've made for another of Bryan's family members for Christmas. It was looking a bit rumpled and curly when I'd finished, and I was doubting its size and prettiness...

It's mostly alpaca with some acrylic and something else in it... bought on sale in our local yarn shop. I rather like the colours, though the photos don't show them up well! Once again, I pinned it out, stretching out the pattern, trying to get it even, and then gave it a light steaming.

This morning, the result was lovely! :o) It still has a slight curl on some of the points, but they now mostly lie flat, and it looks so much better! :o) Oh how pleased I am to have finally found a way to block which works and doesn't require washing and days of drying!! :o)

So before I came into work today I pinned out a baby blanket I've made for a friend. It is entirely acryclic, so we'll see what happens. I'm not convinced it's going to work perfectly, but it just needs a bit of straightening out. The star shape made it rather too curly on the edges, and rumpled in the middle... fingers crossed that when I unpin it later it will look fab too :o)

Well, it's a bright, sunny Thursday so I thought I'd do another one of these as it would be an easy way to cover all the good things happening at present :o)

Geocaching - This is my new addiction and a fabulous way to add steps to my day. It's like a grown up treasure hunt where you're given GPS co-ordinates of a cache and have to go find it. There's a log to sign in each cache to prove you found it, and sometimes trinkets to trade. So far we've found 3 out of 6 hunts (2 for the same cache on different days). There are caches all over the world and conveniently a lot around where I live :o) I recommend it as a fun hobby for everyone to try! :o)



Growing Things - A large portion of yesterday evening was spent on the garden. Mostly moving the gravel from the bottom of the garden up to the front garden so it can be taken away by freecyclers. Some of it, however, was spent admiring our little veggie patch. Hopefully next year it will be a bigger patch and actually in the garden rather than just in pots on the patio. It's very satisfying seeing vegetables growing by my own hands, particularly when we get to eat them :o) Our second batch of radishes have grown really nicely, and the courgettes have given a few of an edible size. We've learnt about various things which like to attack our plants and how to help stop them. It's fun and this morning seeing the flowers on the courgettes blooming after we rescued them from some powdery mildew really made me smile :o)

Sunshine - With September here already we had a few really dreary days and I feared the summer had left us already. The last two days have been lovely though :o) The sun is shining, the windows are open, and I long to be outside :o) In fact, I might well go for a short walk in a moment just to get out in the lovely weather :o)

Muse - Their new album is not yet released, but it is available via live streaming so I've been listening to it after hearing bits on the Muse Night on Radio 1. It's really good and I can't wait to have it to listen to in my car! :o) We have tickets to see them later this year in Birmingham which I'm already excited about!

Basically, I'm a happy, bouncy person today :o) And it has nothing to do with the chocolate bar I just ate... honest! ;o)

This is something I've seen on Zoe's blog and thought I'd join in today :o) In no particular order...

Free Fruit - I pay £5.50 every fortnight for rather lovely organic fruit from Riverford, but just lately I'm afraid they've seemed very expensive. My plum tree has had an explosion of fruit! Oddly, it seems to have split in two, one half growing golden plums which have already ripened and mostly been eaten, and the other victoria plums which are still a few days off being ripe. There's loads of both types! My apricot tree also managed to bear and ripen fruit this year for the first time since I moved here. We managed to get 5 fruits from the tree, there were many more but they all fell to the floor when I wasn't looking! The house next door has been empty for over a year and the garden abandoned for longer, so I figured the blackberries fair game since the brambles have destroyed the entire fence along that side. Whilst over there I discovered an apple tree hiding in amongst the over grown mess, bursting with fruit! So I now have an abundance of apples to go with my plums. Plus a lot of blackberries and a spattering of apricot. I've been making cake & cookies as you've seen, but then I realised there was no way I could use up the fruit fast enough. So I started making jam! It's much easier than I thought (if you skip out the silly canning process and insist everyone eats it within 6 months). Now I'm on a quest for jars, but loving trying out different flavours :o)

Walking - I've been doing a lot of walking lately, and enjoying keeping track on WalkerTracker.com. It's making me feel much better and sleep better. My feet ache somewhat constantly, but they'll get used to it eventually I'm sure. I know it's doing me a lot of good, and it's nice being outside more.

Poppy - When Poppy first came into my life she was a rather angry little cat looking for a calm escape. She's now my lovable little monster. She runs over in the morning as soon as she hears us waking up looking for cuddles. Any time I have a shower, the moment I'm back in the bedroom trying to get dressed she jumps on me and pesters for more cuddles. She's everso sweet and loving.

Devina (my car) - I love how she just starts, takes me where I want, and there's no fuss! There's no concerning noises, no worrying about tyre pressure, fluid levels. I know everything is good and she'll get me where I'm going. I even love cleaning her (when the rain stops!) Making her all shiny like new and admiring her pretty, blue, curvy shape.

I think that's enough for today. Life is good, so I could carry on for a while I'm sure :o)
Hope you're all well and happy! :o) If you want jam... come see me! ;o)

Well, it's been a while again...I keep forgetting to take photos and I know blogs are better with photos... but I just discovered that I can include photos from my TwitPic account on here, which means I can blog about the random things I've been Twittering about but in more detail! :o)

First up... my garden...

This is my vegetable patch this year :o) Courgettes on the left which are doing the best. We actually got to eat a fairly normal sized courgette off one of the plants earlier this week :o) Not quite the glut we were promised, but just pleased to grow something edible! At the front there's some onions which we probably need to check, and a butternut squash plant which looks like it might create some squash... maybe... hopefully! Then there's lettuce (which have now died, humph!) and radish in the middle long pot, and the first signs of our second batch of carrots on the right. We're not going to feed them to the slugs this time! ;o)

Next, we have a whole selection of baking :o) Thanks to having fruit trees in my garden (plus access to the abandoned garden next door) I have a huge amount of plums, apples & blackberries, plus my apricot tree has even managed to bear a few fruit this year! I'm not very good at just eating fruit... I don't really like plums that much, nor fresh apricot, I find the texture of blackberries unappealing, and the apples aren't quite sweet enough to just eat.

So... first up we have a plum, blackberry & chocolate cake, with a good amount of cinnamon...

It was based upon this recipe: Polish Plum Cake although we mixed plums into the mixture as well as a few on top, plus all the other random things I threw in! ;o)
Went down very well, Chris seemed to really like it, as did Bryan. It was very moist and quite scrumptious :o)

Next we have some plum & chocolate "cookies"...

This was based upon this recipe: Danish Plum Cookies except we left out the sour cream (not something I ever have and neither of us like it so I wasn't buying it specially!) Also, we added chocolate chunks into the recipe too ;o) Now, these might be called cookies, but they come out a very cakey texture. Not that they weren't lovely, and tonight we'll likely be baking our third batch! The first batch Bryan ate most of, the second we took to band and a lot of people wanted seconds (and thirds!) The third batch will be going down to Dorset for a school friend gathering :o)

Finally there's some plum jam...

Although that photo was taken after its first cooking in the breadmaker (oh the joyous discover that breadmakers can make jam!) A few hours later I checked it and realised it wasn't going to set... so I dumped it all into a saucepan, heated and stirred for half an hour, and then there was just under a jar's worth and this morning it was all set and scumptious! :o) This one I didn't really follow a recipe for... but it contained:
3 cups of chopped plums
1 cup of preserving sugar (apparently can be replaced with normal granulated sugar)
1 tbsp of water
Half tsp of cinnamon
Half tsp of ground cloves
Half tsp of ground ginger
Just throw it all in the breadmaker, put it on jam setting, and leave it to it. I've now discovered you can use the "Extra Bake" setting if it's not ready, so next time I won't be playing silly games with saucepans too! :o)

The other thing I've been doing more of lately is walking. My Mother gave me a pedometer a few weeks ago wanting to know how far I walk to work. This led to me finding a website where I could record daily numbers and make pretty graphs, it also posts my updates to Facebook. This led to my Mother & sister both joining me on the website so we can all make pretty graphs. There are also competitions which encourage you to walk further. On a "normal" day in the office it turned out I was doing less than 2000 steps! :o( So I set my personal goal to 4000 steps a day... which feels so much less than the recommended 10K, but I didn't want to be constantly failing otherwise I'd never feel encouraged. Doubling my daily exercise sounded like a good start.

Thanks to the competitions providing further incentive to walk more, and the weather being nicer lately, I've been well exceeding that goal most days. This months average is way up at 5863 at present :o) If you'd like to see my stats they can be viewed here: My Step Blog. I recommend you all get a pedometer and join in... having friends on there makes it much more fun! :o)